Of Detergents and Nutella
by GuessIt
Summary: Allan and Joe Berry come home after their ritualistic Friday night dinner to find some not so innocent noises coming out from their darling little Angel's supposedly soundproof bedroom... One-shots...


**Warning: **Basically, if you've seen every ep then fantastic! I'm not ruining anything for you. ;) If you haven't... still probably not ruining much for you... Not that's it's OOC or anything... it's just random.

**Author Note: **Quite a lot of dialogue in this, but like... it's snappy and there wasn't much to describe... It's supposed to be funny... Laugh. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. :\

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Glee, Mark Salling would currently be occupying the apartment across from my bedroom window because I'd much prefer to be watching Mark showering than the overly large Chinese man that insists on leaving his shower curtains open.

_General Warning: To fully appreciate this story, you need a really dirty mind... So like, set your brains onto filth._

Allan and Joe Berry were trying to be as quiet as they could as they entered their home that evening. Or should they say early morning?

It was almost two am when they got home from their ritualistic Friday night dinner. They would go out for dinner, sometimes with friends, sometimes just the two of them, every Friday night to get some alone time and to give Rachel some privacy (because the sound proof walls were amazing but sometimes their daughter would prefer to occupy the living room without any interference).

As always, the two fathers ascended the staircase listening out for the soft breathing of their daughter, or even the quiet taping of her computer as she finished some homework of sorts. Occasionally the light would be streaming through the crack under the door with soft breaths, indicating that she fell asleep whilst reading.

Tonight they heard soft music playing and quiet mutterings. Allan frowned at Joe who merely shrugged back. The two tiptoed quietly to the front of their daughter's room, the white door with a golden star on it. The door was slightly ajar, not enough for them to see anything, but just enough to hear the conversation without the soundproof walls ruining their hearing.

A male voice said. "This is like, so good."

"I full heartedly agree with you there, Noah."

"You do realise, right, that you're the only one with permission to call me that after my mum. I mean, even my sister calls me Puck, although I let her call me Noah. She just does it cause I explained to her it was badass and it's on my jersey."

"Yes, I fully understand I am one of the few who have the privilege to use your first name Noah."

"Okay. Just so you know."

Rachel chuckled and with what sounded like an occupied mouth she replied, "Wow, imagine if my Dad's found us doing this."

"What, would they like freak or something?"

"Probably."

"Why? There's nothing wrong with it."

"Does your mother know you do this Noah?"

"Hells yeah." Now this Noah boy sounded like he had a full mouth. "I mean, she does it too, I guess. Just not when Isles or me are around."

Rachel laughed, "That's kind of funny in a completely ridiculous way. You know, I've never done this before."

"What? Are you serious Berry?"

"Deadly."

"I cannot believe that."

"I'm very sure there are a lot of things in this world, Noah that you have not done as of yet."

"I'd like you to find one thing." he said, his voice awfully seductive. Allan's eyes widened in horror and he went to barge in, but Joe grabbed his shoulder and shook his head.

"Hmm, hitchhiking?"

"Yep."

"Jay-Walking?"

"Stupid question."

"Running with the bulls?"

"Have you seen those footballers?"

Rachel laughed again, and once again her mouth seemed full. The two fathers looked at each other worried as a small sucking noise and a small moan came from the room. Allan gasped but Joe covered his mouth and gestured for Allan to be quiet. "I really like this song." Rachel said.

"It makes me tired."

"Sleep then."

"I can't."

"Seriously, just go to sleep."

"What's your dad's gonna do when they come home and find me sleeping in your bed?"

"They won't say anything."

"I highly doubt that Berry. No matter how alternative anyone's lifestyle is, no dad would be comfortable with this. And you've got two."

"Yes, but I'll just explain to them..."

"What? 'Oh hey Dad's, this is Puck and he just decided to sleep with me tonight. I've brushed my teeth. Goodnight!'"

"I would've said Noah, but..."

"Is that a joke Berry?"

"Yes it was Noah."

"Wow, I didn't think you were capable of something like that."

"Shut up." For the third time, Rachel's mouth sounded occupied by something else. The small sucking noise was doubled as well as Rachel's moan. "This is _so _good."

"Tell _anyone _I did this for you and there is no way I'd hesitate to kill you."

"What if I made my – how do you say it? – Sickly sweet podgy face?"

"It'd be like shooting deer." There was more laughter and Puck added, "You know Berry?" more sucking noises. "I can't believe you've never tried this before. I mean, you said you loved spreading this all over your crumpet in the morning."

"Yes," more sucking noises. "But this is much different from that."

"It's still the same. It's just hotter and moister and we've almost run out."

"I'll definitely have to melt some more of this chocolate when I'm alone."

"It just tastes so damn _good_, especially when you eat it like this." More sucking noises echoed from the bedroom as well as Rachel giggled, almost _too _innocently.

Allan couldn't take anymore. He pushed the door open, letting it slam against the wall. The teens heads both snapped to attention and Rachel pushed herself off of her bed at the sound and Puck leapt to attention. "Dad! Daddy! Hi."

"Rachel, what is this?" Joe said, looking at his daughter in pure shock.

Puck danced nervously from side to side from his place on the chair on the opposite corner of the room and gave a small wave. "Hi Mr Berry, Mr Berry." he nodded tightly. "Told you they wouldn't be cool with this." The last part he shot across the room at Rachel as he himself scoop something chocolate and liquid out of a small bowl. He sucked on the spoon and the put it away, as if it was the last morsel in the bowl. "I'll go if you want me to."

"Noah, I haven't even explained it to them yet." she narrowed her eyes at Puck and then looked at her Dad's. "Noah insisted on waiting up for you two to come home before we actually went to bed, so we've been eating melted Nutella in the mean time."

"Melted..." Allan looked at the small bowls in both kids hands and the junk food that had spread out on the floor between them. The music was coming from Rachel's iPod stereo and both kids were wearing sweats and a jumper because of the cold winter weather.

"Yes, it's something Noah makes a lot apparently. It tastes excellent, especially with strawberries. Noah was just demonstrating as such in the most vulgar but hilarious manner." she said quickly and her dad's looked from the boy to their daughter.

Puck looked extremely nervous and Allan and Joe were in too much of a shock to dismiss his fears. "Sorry sirs, I'll be on my way if you want."

"Noah, where are you going to stay?" Rachel objected and the two fathers looked between their daughter and this boy as if watching a tennis match.

"Bed of my truck?"

"It's freezing."

"Getting into trouble with your dad's seems a lot worse."

"Honestly, where would you get that idea from?"

"Rachel, it's me. I don't mix well with dads."

"Oh really, grow up. They're not kicking you out, right dad? Daddy?" Puck and Rachel were both looking at Allan and Joe who were still dumbfounded that they hadn't walked in on the teens having sex but had simple walked in on them enjoying melted chocolate.

Puck sighed at Allan and Joe's silence. "Sorry sirs. I'll be off."

"Wait, wait, wait." Allan put his hand up, snapping out of his daze. "I'm sorry, Noah but we're very confused."

"Puck." He said. "Call me Puck."

"Well, Puck. What are you doing here, apart from eating our entire pantry?" Joe looked all around the floor.

"Oh, I brought them over as a kind of bribe." Puck grunted at the food. He wasn't ever very good with parents, other than his mum and Finn's mum. Actually, mum's in general. Why Rachel couldn't have two mums instead of two dads, Puck will never know. "I kind of need a place to stay tonight because my sister has the chicken pox, and I've never had them in my life and I heard they can get _really_ bad if you get them when you're older and I can't really afford to _die_." He then frowned, thinking it was probably a poor choice of words. "Well anyway, I'd usually stay over at Finn's but..." he trailed off as both fathers looked on expectantly.

"He's allergic to the fabric softener that Finn's mother uses." Rachel replied cause Puck to glare at her. "Actually, he's allergic to most detergents and he remembered Kurt and I had a discussion in Glee one day about the type of fabric softener I use to remove..." she was about to say 'slushie stains' but neither of her fathers knew about Puck's abuse of her over the last year. Puck could tell she was about to say it too and was thankful she didn't. "Stains from my clothing and obviously I talked about us using all natural products."

"For the record, I'm not allergic." he looked very stubborn about that. "I just hate the smell."

"You break out in a rash."

"I do not break out into a rash."

"Finn said it looks as if you get hives."

"Berry!" he snapped. "I'm not allergic."

"Go stay at Finn's then!"

"I- Just- It's not the- Ugh!" he glared at the ground, muttering, "Damn... Finn... Murder..." under his breath.

The two fathers were about to get whiplash from their debating. "Anyway, he really has no where to go whilst his sister is infect and he was wondering if he could stay here for the week." Rachel said to them.

"The night." Puck murmured.

"The week."

"I told you, I'd go to my Aunts tomorrow."

"She lives two towns away. How will you get to school?"

"By then everything at Finn's house will be rewashed with soap-free stuff!"

"No they won't. His mother has fourteen hour shifts until Tuesday."

"How do you-?" he cut himself off then muttered again. "Best friend my ass... tells all my secrets..."

"Technically the fourteen hour shift one was his secret and it's not much of a secret seeing as the nurses timetables are pinned up on a board at the hospital." Rachel looked back at her Dad's expectantly whilst Puck looked at the ground stormily. "Please, he won't hurt anyone. And he can sleep on my trundle bed. Lord knows I don't use it. He won't be hurting anyone and he doesn't have anywhere else to go."

"Except my truck or Tina's, because her brother can't use all detergents either but like, she has three brothers and two sisters and well I don't think they can fit me." he didn't really want to sleep in his truck and Allan could tell this from the look on the boys face he didn't want to stay at Tina's. He was somewhat pleading with him and Allan felt horrible for him.

The two men looked at each other then at Puck. "Does your mother know you're here?"

"Well, she knows I'm at a friends house while Isla's sick, but no she doesn't know I'm here specifically."

Joe nodded and said, "You can stay here as long as you want. You don't even have to go to your aunts. But you do have to sleep with the door open and call your mum in the morning to make sure it's okay to stay here."

Puck nodded slowly. "Okay." He frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, we're certain Puck." Joe said as he entered the room. "Allan, how about you go get the sheets while I set up the spare bed."

Puck raised his eyebrows at Rachel who nodded at him encouragingly. Puck shrugged and walked with Joe to the edge of the bed. "I can do it Mr Berry."

"Call me Joe."

Puck shrugged. "Okay."

After setting up the spare bed for Puck, Rachel hugged and kissed her dad's goodnight and Puck gave them a stiff wave before thanking them again. "Goodnight Puck." Both of the men said before leaving them be. They didn't turn off the lights and most certainly didn't shut the door and just let them decide when to truly sleep.

"Should we trust him alone with her?" Allan asked quietly as they entered their own bedroom for the night.

"Better question." Joe whispered. "Should we trust her alone with him?"

Allan's eyes opened wide. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well it's obvious who out of the two of them is in charge. She just puts him in his place."

Allan chucked as the two got ready for bed. "That's our little girl."

~*~

Just down the hall from where the fathers were talking, Puck laid on the trundle next to Rachel's bed. "Thanks again Berry."

"Anytime Noah." Rachel said quietly into her pillow as she drifted between awake and asleep.

"Your dad's aren't half-bad. I mean, no dad likes me."

"There are definite reasons for that."

"True, true." There was silence. "Hey Berry, imagine if they heard what they were talking about before."

"Melted nutella?"

"Yeah. It would've sounded really dirty if they were just listening in."

"I guess it's particularly good I didn't mention that you are my ex."

**AN: Slightly AU but not really because... Well because it could've happened... My bro is allergic to detergents so like, he can only go stay at certain peoples places when his girlfriend kicks him out of the house ;) LoL**


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